"yes" man no more...(woman)

Today I said No.

I said "no" many times and I feel fantastic.

It's even better when you say No, when you usually would have said Yes.

A yes that would make you grit your teeth and mumble swear words and wish death upon the person that made you say yes when all you really wanted to do was say no.

Sweet victory.

Baby steps of sweet victory.

Gross

Gross. I love this word.

If I was back in my college speech class, I am sure the instuctor would say I use the word 'gross' way to often. It is the ultimate oral filler in my conversations.

Usually, when I hear something that leaves me nearly speechless...."gross" seems to be my 'go to' response.

In my mind - the term sums up all that is vulgar, crude and leaves me with a tension headache.

When you define gross -

you learn it is an adjective.

1. without deductions

2. flagrant, extreme

3. disgusting

4. very fat or large

however, it is also a noun.

1. the total amount before deductions

2. twelve dozen

I don't use the noun form often. I never ordered a gross of anything. I may have considered it - Oriental Trading Co is filled with grosses to order.

But truthfully - that is just way too many things.

I decided that the definition of gross in my head is not done justice by a dictionary.

When I say gross - the implications are far more extreme than disgusting.

even in all of it's other incarnations - gross is more of a feeling than a simple definition.

overgross, ungross, grossly, overgrossly, grossness, overgrossness, outgross.

The thesaus reveals words that trip me out - adipose, lumpish, porcine, boorish, ribald, scatological....now we are talking dirty! barnyard, callous, carnal, cheap, coarse, corporeal, crass, dull, fleshly, foul, impure, in the gutter, indecent, inelegant, lewd, loudmouthed, low, rank, raunchy, raw, rough, sleazy, smutty, swinish, tasteless, ugly, uncouth......

Now I feel better.

That sums up gross.

Gross.

Cujo and other Summertime Reading Selections

I have had an eclectic mix of books read this summer.

It is safe to say, that in the last 10 years of my adulthood, I have kept a mix of books by the bedside that did not fall into any one category or author overload.

I tend to mock people that only read Nora Roberts for example. (sorry if you like them)

Back in December - I was opting back and forth about purchasing a Kindle. I am sort of a geek for books - If I had to guess, I would say it is one area that I spend the most of my entertainment money on.

So when considering the Kindle - it was merely from a cost savings perspective.

I also thought that the idea of carrying a Kindle instead of multiple massive books in my suitcase when I travel for work would help lighten my load considerably.

But after much consideration - it all came back to the fact that I am a 'geek for books'.

Real books, the kind with paper, colors, pictures, paper, font.....all the comfort that comes from holding a book.

So, I talked myself out of the need for the Kindle.

Fast forward to July.

I hear that I can download the Kindle app on my phone.

It's a free download so why not check it out? Give it a whirl?

I also downloaded the Nook app from Barnes and Noble - why not compare the two.

So with the download I now need a book to read.

I decide that I don't want to spend a lot of money - so I'll download something I have already read.

What do I choose?

Cujo

1. it was cheap 2. it was short - perfect for my Kindle trial.

Oh how the memories came flooding back as I read this book again.

I think it was the first Stephen King book I ever read.

I think I read it for the first time in the Summer as a young teenager.

I remember thinking it was full of scandal because the mom had an affair.....and he was a bad boy.

I recalled almost immediately that once I read my first Stephen King book - that was all I was reading.

Then I read my first Sidney Sheldon book - that was all I was reading.

(Hello?! The Other Side of Midnight?! Possibly one of the best trash novels of all time - but I think at the time I thought it was mature high class reading - I mean, didn't Sidney Sheldon do screenwriting for Hart to Hart?!)

Then I read my first Danielle Steel book - that was all I was reading.

Ugh.....I am so ashamed of my formulaic approach to reading as a young adult!

Horror, sex, mystery, sex, romance disguised as trash sex.

Why were my parents not monitoring my reading?

Anyway - I got off course here.

So I read Cujo with great joy actually.

First - 25+ years later, It was not exactly how I remembered.

I did keep flashing to the fact that my parents had a Pinto - just like the one Donna and Tad were trapped in.

We also had a dog that slobbered a great deal.

(Most likely I had slobber on me in this picture and was wiping it off with my sleeve)

Trapped in a hot car with even the thought that dog slobber would get on me is enough of a horror story for me today.

The Nook offering I selected was Bram Stoker's Dracula.

1. it was free 2. it is a classic - and I try to read one "classic" each summer.

Dracula is not rocking my world like Cujo.

Maybe it's because it doesn't have a Pinto in it.

I also don't like the Nook app.....but I have not finished it yet....so I will hold judgement until later.

So at the end of this what have I learned?

I still like real books I can hold, even if they are heavy.

I am glad that my reading runs the gamut of titles now.

I still do like a good trashy read with sex in it.

I won't mock people that read the same author over and over again.....a good one is sometimes hard to find.

Erotomania and Spanish Swear Words

God knows where this post is going to go.

But 2 things have been on my mind this week - so clearly they are screaming out for me to comment on in some public forum.

1. I am obsessed with why or how women can let themselves be so delusional about love.

2. I am obsessed with my new habit of swearing in Spanish.

So let's begin.

I know this woman. She is by all accounts a normal person - late 30's, able to see most things for what they are.

Yet, she is in the worst relationship I have ever witnessed.

She is actually under the delusion that the man she is with loves her and wants to marry her.

From what I gather - here are the facts of the relationship

1. dating or 'seeing' each other for 10 years (mainly for the booty call)


2. she has never actually been to his home


3. he has never actually been to her home


4. claims to have a job that takes him 'out of the country often' (i call that a wife at home)


5. promises the world and delivers nothing

Promises have included:

1. we are going on vacation next week


2. I am taking you away for the weekend


3. I am building us a house to live in


4. we are getting married!

This is what happens instead:

1. I have to go to Pakistan next week after all


2. He stops all contact with her and calls her the following Tuesday


3. You'll never believe it, they put in the wrong color floor tile, so I told them I wanted a refund on the house


4. He stops all contact with her and calls her the following Tuesday, it turns out he had to go to Pakistan again.

After 10 years of the same bull - how can this woman not wake up? Are you that down on yourself? Is your self esteem that bad?

The worst is the wedding thing. In the last 2 years, he has promised to take her to Hawaii for a get away wedding.

The first time, he printed some BS off the internet and gave it to her.

He cancelled.

A few months later, he told her he couldn't stand her and only saw her for the sex.

A few weeks later, he called her, got his booty call and then gave her a ring.

A ring that in my opinion looked bogus.

He asked for it back to have it sized (i think it went back in his wifes jewelry box)

She goes out, buys a gown, has it altered, buys all the crap that goes with it and packs her bags for Hawaii again. Keep in mind, she never sees a ticket or any confirmation that a trip is happening.

True to form, the jerk stops all contact with her and never shows up. No calls, no texts, no nothing.

And she continues to believe there is a reasonable explanation. She just doesn't get it. I get it, why doesn't she? Even at my most pitiful, I don't think I could ever let anyone be that cruel to me. When I googled 'delusion in love' the word Erotomania came up.

That is totally her. I love that there is a word for it. He may not be a celebrity - but anyone that is that disinterested in you should count.

In retrospect, as stupid as I have been in the past with my own delusions of love and relationships - I do feel grateful that I never took a nose dive like that. Yikes.

Pendejo!

Cabron!

Hijo de la madre chingada!

Sangrones!

Ok, I feel better now. I love the Biography on Frida Kahlo that I am currently reading. And now that I have new swear words to use - I am feeling even more international.

Keeping Calm, Cool and Collected......

Have you ever seen the book of questions?

It is an awesome book that ask hard and profound questions that are supposed to make you think, spur good conversation and basically make you question your ethics.

The other day, my sister read one of the questions to me out loud.

"If you could live for one year in any time period, when would it be."

I immediately responded, "well, it would have to be a period when air conditioning was around".

We both cracked up laughing because that has been my obsession this year.

How did people live without air conditioning?

Of course I realize I am being shallow and not environmentally conscious with my love of ac.

But as with most modern conveniences, I can't imagine life without it.

Admittedly, this year has been odd for weather......super arctic winter followed by super heat summer. (did I mention it is 105 in Northern VA today?)

Follow that up with my reading mostly biographies this summer and it spurned my wonderment at living in the 16th, 17th, 18th, 19th even 20th century without cool air.

Poor Sally Hemmings. She had to be a slave and give birth to Thomas Jefferson's kids.....all the while living in Monticello with no ac and having to dress in corsets and wool.

It is flippin hot. Even when they were in Paris for two years, the one summer was the warmest on record. It had to be ripe.

You know that TJ was not smelling good with his wigs and wool ensembles either.

Poor Abigail Adams. She had to put up with raising all her kids with a war raging at the front door while John was in Philadelphia. The poor lady didn't even have pins to pin her dress up! I know.....at least John and his funky wig was in Philadelphia - but still.

Poor Frida Kahlo. She had no AC when she miscarried her baby in DETROIT in JULY. And she had to come home to Diego Rivera. All funky with sweat and covered in paint. Yes she was a tortured soul, lots of tragedy in her life, yada yada......but I am just guessing that a bit of ac would have at least given the poor woman some pleasure.

I don't know how the millions of people on the planet do it still.

I have great appreciation for those who must go without and much gratitude that I am not one of them.

If you need to find me this weekend, I will be sitting in a cool dark room with a good book.

Pasty with Pringles Poolside

Whoa!

Where has the summer gone?

I have been full of bad attitude and swimming in family togetherness (both forced and welcomed) - but did take some time to indulge in some nice summer moments so far.

I know we still have August - but August tends to be a blur. When you are a kid August is the crap month because school is starting - as a grown up, it's crap for me because there is not one single national holiday and I usually have to do inventory somewhere.

Doing inventory is like being in math class for me. Math anxiety and OCD that make me recount everything 7 times.

Anyway.....I am happy to report that I actually managed to spend some time in the sun relaxing. Instead of my normal paste colored white, I am now more porcelain. But for me, that's a tan baby!

I rediscoved the joy of the swimming pool this summer.

It has definately helped me to re-charge and relax.

I also rediscovered the joy of a tin of Pringles.

There is nothing like sun warmed Pringles munched by the pool.

Yum.

I had a childhood regression as I recalled my Dad picking me up from KinderCare and taking me to Virginia Beach. I believe we ate cold fried chicken and pringles.

What the hell are Pringles anyway?

is that even a potato?

To me they are like the perfect chip.

They are never broken and never greasy.

Just goodness in a can. For $1.49 how can you go wrong?

Awesome.

Old Time Family Togetherness

Last week was tough. It was tough because it was full on family time.
Last week, as a family, we had to confront some tough issues with my Grandfather's recent Alzheimer's diagnosis. I'd be lying if I said it went well.
That side of the family (mom's) is not so good at the communicating and caring and sharing aspect of togetherness.

For the first time I found myself truly frustrated with how the family unit works on that side.
Dr. Phil, we need you!

Luckily, we were able to escape briefly.....since my Dad was in town, my sister and I asked him to take us on a tour of "New Village".....the little borough in NJ he grew up in.
I thought it would be a great way to step away from the tension that was ever present in the house with my Mom's family.

Dad, Sis and I set out on our tour.....we joked that the tour would probably end in 5 minutes...because there is not much to see......but happily, it turned out to be a great day.
Dad showed us the house our Great Grandparents lived in with him, his brother, sister and parents. We saw the little duplexes where family and friends lived in close proximity, the bar that my grandparents owned, heard about the attempt to flood the basketball court one year in order to ice skate, saw the creek they would 'ride the rapids' in, the rock where they spit out licorice to kill caterpillars....it was awesome!
As we were leaving to drive to Alpha, home of my Nonnie's parents - we decided to stop in and visit my Uncle Nelson. He still lives in the same house my great grandparents lived in. At one time the tiny house had 10 people living in it!
It puts in perspective the agony I thought I was experiencing being in my own grandparents home with no air conditioning and only one bathroom.


I had not been in the house since I was a little girl. Most likely around the time that Nonnie Alpha died.....( i asked my Dad why we called her Nonnie Alpha......he said, duh, because she lived in Alpha)
I got chills when I walked in and saw the photo on the wall. Just how I remembered it! But I also remembered the photo above used to hang in the house too. I don't think I was delusional - Maybe someone can confirm if Nunu and Nonnie Tanfani's photo used to hang in the house too...?
Anyway.......it was so nice to spend the afternoon visiting and talking about family. Talking about how hard life was for these people that came from Italy and left so much behind.
Hearing my uncle remember his mother's voice and accent.....She arrived when she was 3 years old and spent her formative years in Mississippi.....he described her italian/english/southern drawl as something truly unique!

He teared up as he recalled my own Grandmother (his sister) and the sacrifices she made for her family.

Our visit left me feeling refreshed, revived and happy. I suppose I needed some of these ghosts to remind me of what family is.

Family can be demanding, challenging, make you want to scream......but in the end, always there for you.