American Beauty

And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Sometimes, there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in. ~American Beauty

I remember how much I loved that movie in 1999.

That particular line has been running in my head since I received some of the most beautiful gifts this Christmas.

Charles made me the most beautiful book of photographs. They are images that take your breath away - and images that are close to my heart.

All of the photographs speak to me in some way - and the inscription in the back says, "In putting this together I realized how lucky I am to have seen such beauty. I think I'll make the theme of the book ~ seek out beauty and when you find it, share it."

Thanks Charles for sharing the beauty and reminding us that it is all around us. I am so lucky to have you!

I wrote earlier that this was the year of the simple Christmas. It turned out to be just what I needed. Simple gifts, simple pleasures and the joy of being around those I love. Gifts like the one Charles gave me, fill me with so much happiness. I realize how lucky I really am. I have wonderful people in my life. And I realize I don't often recognize them.

Keeping a blog has made me feel like a bit of a narcissist.

It is an ongoing dialogue with yourself. And while I like to think it is reflective, it is most often just full of complaining and my own views on how the world should react to me and how I react to the world.

I talk so much about myself, but I don't really look at myself.

On Christmas Eve, a woman who has known me since I was 12, came up to me, held my face in her hands and told me how beautiful I was.

I nearly fell over. Here is a person that sees me at least a few times a year. Never had she done this before.

But she paid me the best compliment and gave me the best gift I could have gotten.

She told me she could see how I was really and truly becoming the woman I was supposed to be. And that I was glowing. Glowing in my own beauty and who I was.

Comfortable in my own skin.

I was overcome by what she said to me. I have never considered myself to be beautiful or pretty. Just an average girl/woman.

The kind of girl/woman nobody really noticed. Not even the people that saw me every day.

I recalled painting the picture above in college. At the time - another woman came up to me and told me the painting was my self portrait. She said the woman I would become was in that painting.

I couldn't imagine myself as that woman - but what a nice thought. Oh to be beautiful and bold. Confident and able to turn heads.

It only took another 18 years. But I think both women were right. There was the woman I was longing to become - and now here I am. I'm her.

And there is a beauty in that.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

I didn't achieve holiday perfection....but am basking in holiday glow nonetheless.

Love to all - and God Bless Us Everyone.

It has come down to this.

If I had a cleaning lady or cleaning person......I would not have as much stress in my life.

I don't know why I can't win this battle and have somebody be able to come in and clean up after me.

My own Mother will tell you, I have needed help in this area my whole life.

Horrid Sister Teresa dumped my desk over in front of the whole first grade class to show what a slob I was.

My holidays would be merry and bright with somebody to clean my bathroom and run the vaccum cleaner occasionally.

If somebody would come and pick up my clothes, I'd die in a rapture.

A few days or weeks ago I did solicit volunteers to fund my move to Manhatten - this housecleaning fund is also up for grabs if you don't know what to get me for Christmas.

Since my last post I managed to kind of, sort of get most stuff done. I still have more to do - but decided to not be frantic about it. I mean really? What is the point. I have had about 3 hours of sleep each night the last week and have bags under my eyes. In order to look at least halfway normal - I need to cut my losses and deal with not being perfect.

I am determined to enjoy the tree, smell the lovely Windsor Forest wafting thru the air and snuggle up to watch my Chrismas movies.

I still have shopping and wrapping to do.

I still have to finish knitting a whole scarf before Friday.

I still need to determine which salads I am contributing to the Feast on Christmas Eve.

But it will get done. It always does.

I must be more relaxed because of the sheer joy I had this week in watching my Capitals make a comeback.

Finally!

I had faith in my boys.

And in case you are not aware - tune into HBO for 24/7 to watch the Caps on the road to the Winter Classic. Who cares about that other damn team.

(I can't even type their retched name here - ugh)

I will admit - that the first show had my boys down and out - but the 35 seconds of Mike Green without his shirt on was heaven.

If Mike Green stood in front of me without a shirt on - another rapture. I'm just saying.

Don't Throw Me Down Clark

Something is terribly wrong.

I am behind yet again.

Not a single Christmas Card written.

Not a single Christmas gift purchased.

I have not even finished decorating the tree.

I think I will be home on Saturday. Perhaps a miracle will happen and I will get it together.

What in the world happened to me?!?

I normally embrace the season starting November 1. But it turns out it is December 8th and I have lots of catching up to do.

Let's make a list shall we?

• fill out christmas cards


• address christmas cards


• get stamps


• get to the post office


• buy gifts for at least the people I will see face to face.


• finish decorating the tree - try not to have a bad attitude while doing it


• watch all of my favorite Christmas movies - up to and including: It's A Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street, Christmas Vacation, Elf, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, A Christmas Carol - the one from the 30's and The Godfather. Yes, The Godfather is a Christmas movie.


• buy my Panetonne for Christmas Morning French Toast

ok, its not that bad.....i will end the dramatic moment.

I will call this year The Year of the Simple Christmas.

There are some moments to celebrate in early December:

My new haircolor is getting rave reviews.

I found the best new eye make up - smoky eyes are my new passion.

I am loving my new black boots. They are super sassy.

Project Ass Reduction is working so well my pants are falling off. While this does pose some problems - it is the ultimate goal.

I am learning new things every single day in my new job.

Lip swirls and lip butters......mmmmmmmmm

Spending time in NYC this December has been a highlight. I still want to move to Manhatten - but I am too poor. If anyone wants to sponsor my move there, please let me know.

I finally bought a warm coat and it has the softest pockets when you put your hands in them!

These are a few of my favorite things....

I have a head full of random thoughts, and they are screaming to come out.

Most likely they have been induced by the lack of sleep and amount of overwork the last few days. I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving. I did. The dinner conversation ran the gamut from Pat Tillman, to bed bugs, to Formula 1, to whore houses. I now have knowledge of whore houses that I never knew I would attain. I believe I mentioned in the last post how my family keeps me laughing. Anyway.....

Let me first begin by saying I am currently procrastinating. I have 2nd Thanksgiving to host tomorrow, my house is a disaster zone, my suitcases - plural - are still strewn throughout the rooms, I think I may have done laundry about 2 weeks ago, lets not even talk about the bathrooms and I still have lingering Halloween paraphernalia around. Including the leftover trick or treat candy. In a few short hours, I must transform the funk, set a lovely table and prepare a feast. I should be hard at work now....but too bad. I am avoiding it. I'll let myself freak out later. I choose to instead sit here and practice avoidance behavior.

Isn't 2nd Thanksgiving a great idea? It's named after 2nd Breakfast from The Lord of the Rings. We thought we were very clever when we adapted the term 2nd Breakfast to 2nd Thanksgiving. (Hobbits scare me, but in this case I find them amusing)

Why 2nd Thanksgiving you ask?

Well, a few reasons:

1. Cooking on Thanksgiving is hard to do with my work schedule. I certainly have cooked and hosted in years past, but then having to work at midnight amongst the crazy people, puts a damper on things. I like my wine and cocktails - and if I have to work, wine and cocktails are off the menu. And lets face it, not only can you not really relax, after hosting a feast, you are pooped!

2. I love to cook a turkey. And I cook a bitchin good turkey. It's true.

3. I love having turkey leftovers. Who doesn't? And going to someones house and taking their turkey leftovers seems wrong to me. You know that secretly at night they curse you under their breath because you left with the best leftovers. It's easier to just say, "no leftovers for me, I am hosting 2nd Thanksgiving and will have plenty of my own."

4. You get to have all of your favorite Thanksgiving side dishes that you may have missed out on during 1st Thanksgiving. (I am super excited about my cornbread sausage stuffing)

I am a bit disappointed that I have been avoiding normal duties. It's just that things have gotten in the way.

Like I prefer to come home and relax. Take a hot bath and dance around in my underwear over doing something horrible like dusting or picking up.

Speaking of dancing - I have been pretty well trapped and tied to the songs on my ipod. I have probably 1000 songs. I don't have much patience for radio, but last week, I had a rental car with satellite radio and became quite infatuated with Ke$ha. I am loving her sleazy little songs! I have added a few to my playlist now - and they seem to put an extra bounce into Project Ass Reduction. I am kind of a fan. Tik Tok!

I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunkBoys tryin' to touch my junk, junkGonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk

I also highly recommend Nelly's song Just a Dream. It is great and makes you get your groove on. i was thinkin about herthinkin about methinkin about uswhere we gunna beopen my eyes...it was only just a dreamso i travel back down that roadwish you come backno one knowsi realize, it was only just a dream

And that song Like a G6 is AWESOME! Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzardWhen we drink we do it right gettin slizzardSippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6Like a G6, Like a G6Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6. That is a badass hook.

And anything by Flo-Rida.

And yes, I like Katy Perry too. I want to be as pretty as her. I think I will add her to the list of people I want to be like when I grow up.

Wow, this was very revealing information. You are now very aware of the current songs I am singing loudly in my car. Obviously there has been a great deal of car dancing happening. You know what is on my ipod when I am on the stairmaster and pounding the pavement and dancing at home. I continue to be wowed by my own vocal stylings too. I seriously need to pursue my lounge singing career. I can sound like Johnny Cash singing Cocaine Blues or harmonize with Lenny Kravitz...(who by the way still records only on tape - he is anti digital - something about the reverb on tape) ....and it is unbelievable! If you thought that was Fergie singing with the Black Eyed Peas....check again, it was probably me you heard singing in my car. Someone call a producer and get to work on forming my one woman show.

I wish I was a 20something again and could justify liking bad top 40 music again and dancing in clubs all night long. I did enjoy dancing the night away with Jean Claude in New York. The gay Belgium photographer. It's fun to dance in gay clubs because everyone thinks you are pretty, wishes they had your boobs and the grabbing is completely non-threatening.

Getting old sucks.

Thus I resort to dancing in my underwear at home.

However, I was carded last week. Twice.

And not because I was buying wine at Wegman's where even if you are 98 you get carded.

I was having sushi with my parents and YOUNGER sister when the waitress didn't believe I was old enough to have the wine!

oh the sheer joy! i wanted to hug her! Arigatou - gozaimasu!

And then the next night, the hot waiter that looked like Michael Buble also questioned my age in order to have a glass of prosecco.

Umm, hello? Hot young michael buble waiter thinks I'm younger than him?

The Gods were smiling on me.

I am going back to that restaurant, sitting at his table again and tipping him big time.

But seriously - Santi is a great restaurant and I highly recommend it. The pappardelle makes me weak in the knees. (maybe even more than hot-young-michael-buble-waiter)

(and don't worry, My Mommy paid and I made sure she tipped hotty well)

Of course, my lovely sister had to point out that both of them were taking pity on the old lady at the table and probably trying to be kind to my feeble self.

Love you to Sis!

Ok, so lets wrap up the random that this post has become. Since we just talked about hot waiters - lets lead into my final obsession and joy.

Mike Green.

I know. You are sick of hearing about him.

But can I just tell you that it looks like I will be face to face with Mike Green #52 of the Washington Capitals in the very near future?!

OMG!

I know! I am freaking out with happiness and joy.

What if I actually get to touch him for a photo?!?!?

OMG!

He's like the ultimate man of my dreams......what a dish.

Let's just say that one of my best Christmas gifts ever includes some sort of backstage pass to the hockey player of my dreams. I don't have all the details....but they include live hockey players. I will be wrapped in #52 paraphernalia so they will be forced to humor the old lady and send him into see me.

(eew...I sound like a cougar!)

I will keep you posted.

Giving Thanks

I'm Thankful that I am related to these people.

Fun times.

And all of them have great fashion sense and dance moves.

They all know how to have fun and not take themselves too seriously.

You know that if you are not related to me - you wish you were.

And of course - there is no denying why they crack me up.

Both sides of my family rock.

Shout out to the Boyle/Moyer/Cenci/Tanfani clans!

I'm thankful that I found this picture of my dad on his honeymoon in my grandparent's bible.

That's right.

It was in the family Bible.

My own first communion photo was shoved in a miscellaneous drawer - but this gem was tucked into the new testament.

Clearly, it was critical to document this moment and then share it with parents.

It gave me great joy and howls of laughter when I found it.

Love the sideburns dad.

I am thankful that I have great hair. I mean, c'mon.

I know, I complain about bad hair days - but my hair is great. Thanks in part to my family and my dad and mom's good genes. It takes color well and looks good in all lengths.

I'm also thankful for apples. I love the slices that are pre-done in the grocery store. I hate cutting apples and I hate the brown stuff. These are pre-cut and never turn brown.

Thankful for books - even though I am going to breakdown and get the kindle, I still love books surrounding me. Thankful for the Cats and Dogs in my life. In a year of lots of family pet tragedy - I'm glad they all brought us such joy. Thankful for Every Day I get to live and be happy, For the Friends and Family that fill my life. (and Edward Cullen) Thankful for God and Google. Thankful for Harry Potter. I hated the idea of Harry Potter - than I read it and now I am a woman possessed. Send me a message on my phone and the Harry Potter music plays. I'm thankful for India Hicks. She makes me smell good and keeps my skin soft. I'm thankful for J. Who invented the Bubble Room again?! I'm thankful for Kristen my fabulous sister. I'm thankful for Love. I get it everyday and am grateful beyond words. I'm thankful for Men. You guys make the world so much fun. I'm thankful for Naps. And appreciate every single one I get to take. Whether it be stretched out in the sun or curled up under a blanket. I'm thankful for Opinions. I love to give them and love to hear them. Thanks for sharing this year. I'm thankful for Prayers that are answered. I'm thankful for Quiet moments. Goodness knows I cherish them. I'm thankful for the Rack. Thank you Nordstrom for putting big feet shoes in your stores. I'm thankful for Smart people. I'm thankful for Time. It's nice to be here and enjoying this crazy world. I'm thankful for Underwear. Most especially spanx on special occasions. I'm thankful for visits to my favorite places, xtra time with people I love and that Zumba exists.

Don't forget to count your own blessings!

And thanks for being one of mine this year!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Fascinating Fall Facts

It has not been a blogging year for me.

That is really too bad.

I enjoy my blog and usually manage to crack myself up. And if nobody else reads it.....

At least I think I'm funny.

But what is really funny is my recent discovery of people that search for and end up at my blog.

It cracks me up!

People I don't know come and read this stuff!

Some of my most favorite posts are the most searched and read.

and the irony is - if you read the search words, you could almost write my biography. It has that which I love, and that which I most fear. (JELLO)!!!! oh the horror!

check out these search phrases:

green jello brain waves

do you renounce satan

kelly cutrone love spit love

love spit love kelly cutrone

santa cleopatra

michael francis rizzi

best selling jello flavor

jello

love.spit.love kelly cutrone

michael do you renounce satan

I am also wildly popular in Russia and Estonia. who knew?

Halloween!

I am feeling super nostalgic this Halloween.

I just returned from a few days in the town I spent my 'trick or treat' years.


It was awesome to be there on Halloween week and recall the nights spent trick or treating in good ole Delaware Park!



The leaves were crunchy under my feet, the houses close together and going thru the neighborhood reminded me of how big the world can feel to a child. In reality - it is just a small subdivision in a small north east town.

But oh the memories!

Waiting eagerly for Mom to get home from work so we could hit the streets! Oh the agony of the 5:15pm arrival home - each year I was convinced I was going to miss all the fun.

The joy of my plastic oblong pumpkin - it served me well for years as a treat collector.

Running thru the streets with all of the kids - shouting to one another about the house that was giving FULL size candy bars!

I can recall the houses that gave out the good stuff. One house always gave out bags of cheese puffs - my addicition to cheetos no doubt began with that yellow house.

The wonderful lady that made homemade donuts and served apple cider! The donuts always fresh and warm and the cold apple cider!

The creepy dude that wore a stocking over his face and wouldn't let you out of his house until he had properly terrified you.

The kids in their awful and tacky 70's costumes - this site cracked me up - check it out for a thowback look.

My pride at my Mom's homemade costumes she made every year. No plastic outfits and masks for us! We roamed the streets as leopards, witches, prarie girls, witches and pandas.

Hating it when Mom made us put on a coat over our costumes!

Marveling at the carved pumpkins and the smell of the cold wind!

Scaring ourselves in the dark.

And the joy of coming home with a load of treats. Mom and Dad sorting thru the loot and making sure Dad had his favorite candies from our bags....(candies we thought were dreadful - like licorice)

It seems silly to think that kids today won't have the same wonderful memories - I am sure they will - I guess it just makes me feel better to recall how wonderful we had it.

Happy Halloween!
Boo!

Bye Cappie....we love you.

My little doggie 'sister' had to be put down last night.

She had cancer and was very weak.

Cappie has been my dog sister for 15 years now.

Even though I lived far away - we remained close.

My human sister and I always knew Mom loved her best.

(and how could we blame her?)

Cappie never kept a messy room.

Cappie always listened.

Cappie never talked back.

Cappie never tattled.

Cappie always cleaned her plate. (and everyone else's.)

Cappie never made fun of Mom's outfits or decorating choices.

Cappie was the best dog sister I could have had.

And because I know Cappie is in heaven, I am going to do my best to make it there one day to see her again.

"yes" man no more...(woman)

Today I said No.

I said "no" many times and I feel fantastic.

It's even better when you say No, when you usually would have said Yes.

A yes that would make you grit your teeth and mumble swear words and wish death upon the person that made you say yes when all you really wanted to do was say no.

Sweet victory.

Baby steps of sweet victory.

Gross

Gross. I love this word.

If I was back in my college speech class, I am sure the instuctor would say I use the word 'gross' way to often. It is the ultimate oral filler in my conversations.

Usually, when I hear something that leaves me nearly speechless...."gross" seems to be my 'go to' response.

In my mind - the term sums up all that is vulgar, crude and leaves me with a tension headache.

When you define gross -

you learn it is an adjective.

1. without deductions

2. flagrant, extreme

3. disgusting

4. very fat or large

however, it is also a noun.

1. the total amount before deductions

2. twelve dozen

I don't use the noun form often. I never ordered a gross of anything. I may have considered it - Oriental Trading Co is filled with grosses to order.

But truthfully - that is just way too many things.

I decided that the definition of gross in my head is not done justice by a dictionary.

When I say gross - the implications are far more extreme than disgusting.

even in all of it's other incarnations - gross is more of a feeling than a simple definition.

overgross, ungross, grossly, overgrossly, grossness, overgrossness, outgross.

The thesaus reveals words that trip me out - adipose, lumpish, porcine, boorish, ribald, scatological....now we are talking dirty! barnyard, callous, carnal, cheap, coarse, corporeal, crass, dull, fleshly, foul, impure, in the gutter, indecent, inelegant, lewd, loudmouthed, low, rank, raunchy, raw, rough, sleazy, smutty, swinish, tasteless, ugly, uncouth......

Now I feel better.

That sums up gross.

Gross.

Cujo and other Summertime Reading Selections

I have had an eclectic mix of books read this summer.

It is safe to say, that in the last 10 years of my adulthood, I have kept a mix of books by the bedside that did not fall into any one category or author overload.

I tend to mock people that only read Nora Roberts for example. (sorry if you like them)

Back in December - I was opting back and forth about purchasing a Kindle. I am sort of a geek for books - If I had to guess, I would say it is one area that I spend the most of my entertainment money on.

So when considering the Kindle - it was merely from a cost savings perspective.

I also thought that the idea of carrying a Kindle instead of multiple massive books in my suitcase when I travel for work would help lighten my load considerably.

But after much consideration - it all came back to the fact that I am a 'geek for books'.

Real books, the kind with paper, colors, pictures, paper, font.....all the comfort that comes from holding a book.

So, I talked myself out of the need for the Kindle.

Fast forward to July.

I hear that I can download the Kindle app on my phone.

It's a free download so why not check it out? Give it a whirl?

I also downloaded the Nook app from Barnes and Noble - why not compare the two.

So with the download I now need a book to read.

I decide that I don't want to spend a lot of money - so I'll download something I have already read.

What do I choose?

Cujo

1. it was cheap 2. it was short - perfect for my Kindle trial.

Oh how the memories came flooding back as I read this book again.

I think it was the first Stephen King book I ever read.

I think I read it for the first time in the Summer as a young teenager.

I remember thinking it was full of scandal because the mom had an affair.....and he was a bad boy.

I recalled almost immediately that once I read my first Stephen King book - that was all I was reading.

Then I read my first Sidney Sheldon book - that was all I was reading.

(Hello?! The Other Side of Midnight?! Possibly one of the best trash novels of all time - but I think at the time I thought it was mature high class reading - I mean, didn't Sidney Sheldon do screenwriting for Hart to Hart?!)

Then I read my first Danielle Steel book - that was all I was reading.

Ugh.....I am so ashamed of my formulaic approach to reading as a young adult!

Horror, sex, mystery, sex, romance disguised as trash sex.

Why were my parents not monitoring my reading?

Anyway - I got off course here.

So I read Cujo with great joy actually.

First - 25+ years later, It was not exactly how I remembered.

I did keep flashing to the fact that my parents had a Pinto - just like the one Donna and Tad were trapped in.

We also had a dog that slobbered a great deal.

(Most likely I had slobber on me in this picture and was wiping it off with my sleeve)

Trapped in a hot car with even the thought that dog slobber would get on me is enough of a horror story for me today.

The Nook offering I selected was Bram Stoker's Dracula.

1. it was free 2. it is a classic - and I try to read one "classic" each summer.

Dracula is not rocking my world like Cujo.

Maybe it's because it doesn't have a Pinto in it.

I also don't like the Nook app.....but I have not finished it yet....so I will hold judgement until later.

So at the end of this what have I learned?

I still like real books I can hold, even if they are heavy.

I am glad that my reading runs the gamut of titles now.

I still do like a good trashy read with sex in it.

I won't mock people that read the same author over and over again.....a good one is sometimes hard to find.

Erotomania and Spanish Swear Words

God knows where this post is going to go.

But 2 things have been on my mind this week - so clearly they are screaming out for me to comment on in some public forum.

1. I am obsessed with why or how women can let themselves be so delusional about love.

2. I am obsessed with my new habit of swearing in Spanish.

So let's begin.

I know this woman. She is by all accounts a normal person - late 30's, able to see most things for what they are.

Yet, she is in the worst relationship I have ever witnessed.

She is actually under the delusion that the man she is with loves her and wants to marry her.

From what I gather - here are the facts of the relationship

1. dating or 'seeing' each other for 10 years (mainly for the booty call)


2. she has never actually been to his home


3. he has never actually been to her home


4. claims to have a job that takes him 'out of the country often' (i call that a wife at home)


5. promises the world and delivers nothing

Promises have included:

1. we are going on vacation next week


2. I am taking you away for the weekend


3. I am building us a house to live in


4. we are getting married!

This is what happens instead:

1. I have to go to Pakistan next week after all


2. He stops all contact with her and calls her the following Tuesday


3. You'll never believe it, they put in the wrong color floor tile, so I told them I wanted a refund on the house


4. He stops all contact with her and calls her the following Tuesday, it turns out he had to go to Pakistan again.

After 10 years of the same bull - how can this woman not wake up? Are you that down on yourself? Is your self esteem that bad?

The worst is the wedding thing. In the last 2 years, he has promised to take her to Hawaii for a get away wedding.

The first time, he printed some BS off the internet and gave it to her.

He cancelled.

A few months later, he told her he couldn't stand her and only saw her for the sex.

A few weeks later, he called her, got his booty call and then gave her a ring.

A ring that in my opinion looked bogus.

He asked for it back to have it sized (i think it went back in his wifes jewelry box)

She goes out, buys a gown, has it altered, buys all the crap that goes with it and packs her bags for Hawaii again. Keep in mind, she never sees a ticket or any confirmation that a trip is happening.

True to form, the jerk stops all contact with her and never shows up. No calls, no texts, no nothing.

And she continues to believe there is a reasonable explanation. She just doesn't get it. I get it, why doesn't she? Even at my most pitiful, I don't think I could ever let anyone be that cruel to me. When I googled 'delusion in love' the word Erotomania came up.

That is totally her. I love that there is a word for it. He may not be a celebrity - but anyone that is that disinterested in you should count.

In retrospect, as stupid as I have been in the past with my own delusions of love and relationships - I do feel grateful that I never took a nose dive like that. Yikes.

Pendejo!

Cabron!

Hijo de la madre chingada!

Sangrones!

Ok, I feel better now. I love the Biography on Frida Kahlo that I am currently reading. And now that I have new swear words to use - I am feeling even more international.

Keeping Calm, Cool and Collected......

Have you ever seen the book of questions?

It is an awesome book that ask hard and profound questions that are supposed to make you think, spur good conversation and basically make you question your ethics.

The other day, my sister read one of the questions to me out loud.

"If you could live for one year in any time period, when would it be."

I immediately responded, "well, it would have to be a period when air conditioning was around".

We both cracked up laughing because that has been my obsession this year.

How did people live without air conditioning?

Of course I realize I am being shallow and not environmentally conscious with my love of ac.

But as with most modern conveniences, I can't imagine life without it.

Admittedly, this year has been odd for weather......super arctic winter followed by super heat summer. (did I mention it is 105 in Northern VA today?)

Follow that up with my reading mostly biographies this summer and it spurned my wonderment at living in the 16th, 17th, 18th, 19th even 20th century without cool air.

Poor Sally Hemmings. She had to be a slave and give birth to Thomas Jefferson's kids.....all the while living in Monticello with no ac and having to dress in corsets and wool.

It is flippin hot. Even when they were in Paris for two years, the one summer was the warmest on record. It had to be ripe.

You know that TJ was not smelling good with his wigs and wool ensembles either.

Poor Abigail Adams. She had to put up with raising all her kids with a war raging at the front door while John was in Philadelphia. The poor lady didn't even have pins to pin her dress up! I know.....at least John and his funky wig was in Philadelphia - but still.

Poor Frida Kahlo. She had no AC when she miscarried her baby in DETROIT in JULY. And she had to come home to Diego Rivera. All funky with sweat and covered in paint. Yes she was a tortured soul, lots of tragedy in her life, yada yada......but I am just guessing that a bit of ac would have at least given the poor woman some pleasure.

I don't know how the millions of people on the planet do it still.

I have great appreciation for those who must go without and much gratitude that I am not one of them.

If you need to find me this weekend, I will be sitting in a cool dark room with a good book.

Pasty with Pringles Poolside

Whoa!

Where has the summer gone?

I have been full of bad attitude and swimming in family togetherness (both forced and welcomed) - but did take some time to indulge in some nice summer moments so far.

I know we still have August - but August tends to be a blur. When you are a kid August is the crap month because school is starting - as a grown up, it's crap for me because there is not one single national holiday and I usually have to do inventory somewhere.

Doing inventory is like being in math class for me. Math anxiety and OCD that make me recount everything 7 times.

Anyway.....I am happy to report that I actually managed to spend some time in the sun relaxing. Instead of my normal paste colored white, I am now more porcelain. But for me, that's a tan baby!

I rediscoved the joy of the swimming pool this summer.

It has definately helped me to re-charge and relax.

I also rediscovered the joy of a tin of Pringles.

There is nothing like sun warmed Pringles munched by the pool.

Yum.

I had a childhood regression as I recalled my Dad picking me up from KinderCare and taking me to Virginia Beach. I believe we ate cold fried chicken and pringles.

What the hell are Pringles anyway?

is that even a potato?

To me they are like the perfect chip.

They are never broken and never greasy.

Just goodness in a can. For $1.49 how can you go wrong?

Awesome.

Old Time Family Togetherness

Last week was tough. It was tough because it was full on family time.
Last week, as a family, we had to confront some tough issues with my Grandfather's recent Alzheimer's diagnosis. I'd be lying if I said it went well.
That side of the family (mom's) is not so good at the communicating and caring and sharing aspect of togetherness.

For the first time I found myself truly frustrated with how the family unit works on that side.
Dr. Phil, we need you!

Luckily, we were able to escape briefly.....since my Dad was in town, my sister and I asked him to take us on a tour of "New Village".....the little borough in NJ he grew up in.
I thought it would be a great way to step away from the tension that was ever present in the house with my Mom's family.

Dad, Sis and I set out on our tour.....we joked that the tour would probably end in 5 minutes...because there is not much to see......but happily, it turned out to be a great day.
Dad showed us the house our Great Grandparents lived in with him, his brother, sister and parents. We saw the little duplexes where family and friends lived in close proximity, the bar that my grandparents owned, heard about the attempt to flood the basketball court one year in order to ice skate, saw the creek they would 'ride the rapids' in, the rock where they spit out licorice to kill caterpillars....it was awesome!
As we were leaving to drive to Alpha, home of my Nonnie's parents - we decided to stop in and visit my Uncle Nelson. He still lives in the same house my great grandparents lived in. At one time the tiny house had 10 people living in it!
It puts in perspective the agony I thought I was experiencing being in my own grandparents home with no air conditioning and only one bathroom.


I had not been in the house since I was a little girl. Most likely around the time that Nonnie Alpha died.....( i asked my Dad why we called her Nonnie Alpha......he said, duh, because she lived in Alpha)
I got chills when I walked in and saw the photo on the wall. Just how I remembered it! But I also remembered the photo above used to hang in the house too. I don't think I was delusional - Maybe someone can confirm if Nunu and Nonnie Tanfani's photo used to hang in the house too...?
Anyway.......it was so nice to spend the afternoon visiting and talking about family. Talking about how hard life was for these people that came from Italy and left so much behind.
Hearing my uncle remember his mother's voice and accent.....She arrived when she was 3 years old and spent her formative years in Mississippi.....he described her italian/english/southern drawl as something truly unique!

He teared up as he recalled my own Grandmother (his sister) and the sacrifices she made for her family.

Our visit left me feeling refreshed, revived and happy. I suppose I needed some of these ghosts to remind me of what family is.

Family can be demanding, challenging, make you want to scream......but in the end, always there for you.

Share the Air...................please!

You know things are bad when your own whining and complaining can irritate yourself.

I can barely stand to be in a room with myself right now.

Consider yourselves one of the lucky ones to not be physically in my proximity.

I am irritating myself with my bad attitude.

It seems that just about everyone around me is mad at me. (another story for another time)

It is so darn hot - I feel like I am back in Florida again - and as we all know - those were not good times. (I spent 3 years in a constant state of misery - all weather related)

I'm sure I can get over the bad attitude - I know the fact that I don't feel well is just making me irritable and my own drama and martyrdom is not improving anything.

I can get over it.

What I can't get over is the lack of AC.

This is precisely the reason that I hate, hate, hate coming to New Jersey for visits in warm weather.

For some unknown reason, my grandparents insist on not cooling the house down.

It is modern times for cripes sake!

Put in some window units!

Crank that cool air up!

(And it's not because they are cold old people. They complain about the heat too!)

This is a terrible thing to say - but, it's not like I don't say terrible things - so let's not be too shocked.

But, hello...........it's time to 'share the air'

My grandparents have a window unit in their bedroom.

But the gem is, that even though the upstairs is teeny tiny really........they close the bedroom door and hog the cool air at night!

Meanwhile, the guests get to cool their own body temperature down with body sweat and the wisp of air that may or may not decide to come in thru the open window.

Then you wonder why I have a bad attitude.

Last night I snuck into the bedroom to just feel cool air on my skin for a scant second.......then went to lay on the floor downstairs. (Are we shocked that I have a sore throat? Wet underwear on week, sleeping on the floor in the stifling heat the next)

I felt like a dog in summer that spreads out on the kitchen floor to cool off.

(yes, it worked)

I have begun counting down the days until I go home again.

It is 6 days.

6 days until I can blast my own central air all day and night and walk around in a sweater indoors.

6 days until I can blow dry my hair again and not need to shower afterward to cool down.

6 days until I can feel comfortable in my own skin again.

6 days until I can get a good nights sleep.

I live for the modern conveniences air conditioning brings.

I may head out on the street to see if I can find an HVAC dude to talk compressors to me......

Monthly Mis-haps.....

In the future, when you are planning on inviting me to a nice event......can you please consider the time of the month for me?

As you are aware, most things are about my own convenience.

I nearly flipped out yesterday. I tried on the dress I was planning on wearing to the wedding next week.

Last week, it was nearly there.....a few more "Project Ass Reduction" sessions and we were going to be good to go.

Nice.....the bloat has now nixed that idea.

I went into full on panic mode.

I went thru the closet and pulled out dress after dress.

To fancy, not fancy enough, to casual, possibly not working if it is cool, icky to wear if it is hot......

Aggh!

So I then decided to go out and try on some NEW dresses.

Never do this when you are hormonal and bloated.

I stood in a dressing room surrounded by mirrors in a state of full on depression.

Top that with the fact that I was not having a good hair day and no make up.

I convinced myself to NOT buy anything new. I have a closet full of clothes.....some with tags still on them.

I came home and after much debate....decided on one.

Then I did a trial run thru with hair and makeup and accessories. What a difference it makes when you run a comb thru your hair and put on some makeup!

I am bucking my own trend and going for the blue eyeshadow. Que horror horror!

But I am tired of being muted brown.....I think I am starting to be inspired by all the 40something fabulous looking people...they are bucking the beauty trend...so why not me? I can flippin wear blue eyeshadow if I want to.

Totally random interjection here - I don't watch that Showtime Toni Collette show - but she looks fabulous now! Don't you agree? Such a good example of how beauty can come with time...another female inspiration for me and my bad image issues.

anyway...

The dress is perfect because it will hide the bloat.

And I think still be appropriate for the event.

I am going with the cream in the center with the blue wrap - I just felt the red - which I love - is just to 'cocktail'

My only dilemma will be the mix of accessories - but lucky for me....I can torture my Mom and sister with those decisions on the day of. bwah ha ha!

My plan this week is to continue my green tea regimen and the cardio.

I'm pissed that I am not full on back in shape.

The full on PMS bloat in the full length mirror assault did not help - but I know that I have let stress and winter eating leave me in less than optimal strength and fitness.

So I have decided to add in some new elements to "PAR".

It also ties in well to my ultimate goal of my "Bollywood Musical" appearance.

I want to take some Indian Dance classes.

It looks like I can convince my friend Michelle to do it with me too.

Michelle is one of those friends that is game for anything, anywhere and anytime.

I have 83 "bollywood" songs on my ipod.

Isn't that a trip?

So truly - this is meant to be.

I mean really.......I will have no excuse to not tune in and start busting into my 'bollywood' moves no matter where I am!

My New Guru.....Kelly Cutrone

Ok, I know!

You are probably over the whole "obsession with Kelly Cutrone" thing.

But this is getting to be so awesome for me.

I totally embraced "the Cutrone" last week.

I went 'balls to the wall' and have never felt better.

I am still embracing my own nice energy......"my own calm strong quiet energy"

but when pushed, look out!

I bought Kelly's book on Sunday.

It was time to mix up the bedside reading...(which of late was a bit heavy)..and while I must admit....I am still just at the beginning....I am already inspired.

Kelly described her first and most successful PR event.

An art exhibit called "Love.Spit.Love" in 1991.

It essentially involved 3 couples (gay, straight, etc) having sex in the middle of this gallery with an American flag on the wall while love songs from the 50's thru 90's played in the background.

Whoa! I totally remembered this!

And why? Because the couples were on Phil Donohue!

I vividly recall 2 episodes of Phil from the 90's

this one of course!

and the one with the cast of Dead Poets Society.

(romantic poets, an all boys prep school and teen angst....what was there not to love about DPS?!?)

Both clearly had a profound impact on my life.

I can recall all the couples being naked on Phil's show! How shocking for 1991!

The one couple had a man with this beautiful long hair and the palest skin - and the woman was like the female equal......I remember being stunned by how beautiful they were.

Are you all seeing what I am seeing? Even back in 1991 Kelly was having an impact on me.

She must be my guru!

Kelly has a guru.

this is her.

I don't know that I will be able to be that into it.....It could be I am nearing cult like following of Kelly now.

Stay tuned.

Mom Made It Happen

I have a fondness for myself that perhaps borders on narcissiscm.

I can't help it. I like me.

Do I perhaps need therapy? Could I dig a bit deeper into the psyche to find out why I do what I do? Sure!

But at the end of the day, I am really happy with the person I am.

I only have a handful of people to thank for that....and Mom is one of them.

(that's me in there!------------------------------>)

I have a closeness to my Mom that I feel is very special - mainly because for the first few years of me - it was just the two of us.

And let's face it.....we were both kids. My mom 22 and me a newborn.

She spent her early 20's with a baby,toddler, and a preschooler......Dad was off in the Navy....gone for months at a time. We were on our own.

Because of this, I think Mom and I became each other's best friend.
Every early memory is of Mom.

She has even told the story of my birth so much....that I felt like I was a witness to the whole thing!

It is as if my own birth was my first memory......all thanks to the memories of my Mom.

I was an overdue baby.

I was also huge. 9lbs 8oz If memory serves.

Mom was scheduled to have a C-section because I didn't seem to be coming anytime soon

(i always do prefer to do things on my own timeline)

She had plans to visit my Dad's family for her favorite dinner, my Grandmother made a cheese and mushroom stuffed chicken breast that Mom loved.

Unfortunately, labor started and she had to miss dinner to go to the hospital.

She was pissed.

(isn't it nice that she let's me know all these years later that the very first thing I did....pissed her off)

In 1972, Mom was a bit naive.

When her water broke in the hospital, she was mortified.

1. she had no idea what just happened - she thought she peed herself

2. her own mother was an OB nurse in the hospital (maybe a little motherly advice about the birthing process was in order here Nan?)

3. on top of her mother being there, so was her aunt, and my dad's aunt - all OB nurses - and all there to witness the wonder of wonders that was to be my birth!

Mom was also pissed because my Dad was not there. He was on a ship in the middle of the Mediterranean. I can't imagine being alone, in pain and you just wet yourself in front of everyone.

The next bit of the story is hazy - I don't know why or how, but Mom does not really recall the birth.

And now, she says giving birth is no big deal....she doesn't even remember it hurting.

!?!?!?!??!??!?!??!?!??!

You just pushed out a 9lb+ baby and don't remember?

Maybe there was a benefit to having relatives in the hospital. Maybe they were able to give you a little something to take the edge off.

shhhhh...we won't say a word. But it now seems possible Nan and Aunt Tina were dealing to pregnant women.

When I was born, out I came and everyone exclaimed over what a beautiful baby I was.

I know this, because my cousin Sandra was a candy striper in the same hospital at the time - and still says I was the prettiest baby ever. (our family was running that hospital)

"It's a girl!" "isn't she beautiful?" "look at how pretty"

My mother's reaction?

"eeeewww......that's what you call beautiful? she's ugly"

So let's recap.

First, I get in trouble for making her miss her favorite dinner.

Second, I am ugly.

Lucky for me - with the gaggle of grandma's, nonna's and aunts around - they whisked me off to my first photo shoot, so overcome with my beauty.

I am not kidding - there are about 20 different versions of newborn baby photos taken of me.

In some I am naked (like this one), in some I have on a shirt, some are close ups, most have me looking pissed.

No doubt because my own Mother has just called me ugly and now they are photographing me like the paparazzi getting the reaction shot from some down and out washed up celebrity whose mother has just written a tell all.

(aren't flashes bad for baby eyes?)

All these years my Mom blamed my poor vision on reading under the covers with a flashlight....hhhmmm

I spent my childhood years pouring over the album of photos of that day and the days that followed, asking Mom questions and having her retell the stories.

• Looking at Mom in the hospital bed with me inside her!


• Looking with horror at the awful, ugly baby that came out.....horrified by the umbilical cord! gross!


• More relieved to see the photos with shirts.


• Looking at my Grandparents holding me - none of them with gray hair.


• Seeing my Great Grandparents holding me - my only real memories of one of them from photos.


• My uncles and aunts - some so young they were still in high school......


• And the best part of that album - the photos of mom holding me with the biggest smile....and me, finally looking not so ugly.

I love you Mom ~ thanks for making the best memories!

Love,

Netterboo

Who the hell is Justin Bieber?

This kid is flippin everywhere.
Yet I have no earthly idea who he is.
Just seeing his picture and wacky hair makes me not want to dig deeper.
I tried to read the wikipedia info - but found myself reading it like this........
"Justin Bieber is a blah blah blah blah singer. Blah blah blah You Tube blah....."
You get the point.
This kid looks like boring white bread.
His hair is annoying.....(i'm sorry - I can't get past the bad hairdo.)
He looks 12 and gets more press than anyone - but apparently really bad press, because normal people still don't know what he does or the who the hell he is.

I did appreciate the comments left by some of you:

• I got the impression he was the New Jesus
• Melissa is just pissed he met the President
• Carla - like myself has no clue......(and she has kids! so I was hoping a few modern moms would enlighten me!

At the end of the day - I did manage to get that he sings songs called "Baby" "One Time" "Love Me" "Favorite Girl"

If I do word association - it sounds like he is a male teeny bopper version of Britney Spears.

(i think i did just throw up a little in my mouth)

Who the hell is Justin Bieber? Who the hell cares.

New and Improved!

The extras are really what it's all about.

I have added some "extras" to the panel on the left.

<------------------ yeah, over there.

I have a fondness for lists.

I make lists all the time. For work, for home - you name it.....

I find them months later falling out of magazines, under the refrigerator, stuck in the re-usable grocery bag.

I love lists!

Even when I finish things on a list, I seem to keep them around for awhile.

The awesome thing about a blog - is that I can keep all kinds of lists.

So I have added some for your enjoyment - but mainly for my enjoyment.

It's my blog world - and the 3 of you that actually read this are in it.

I have tried since starting this blog in 2007 to keep a list of the books I keep on my bedside and then a list of books I finally finished.

I keep a list of blogs I like to read etc....

So, I was thinking how my sister always mocks me for saying things like ' oh my gosh, that is my favorite......'

So I have added a list of current favorites. I'll keep adding and deleting as I change my fickle little head.

I added a list of the people I want to be when I grow up.

I also added a list of things to do before I die. This is a serious list - and deserves more contemplation. But the first 'to do' is really a great one.

The makers of Slumdog Millionaire missed a great opportunity in not casting me in the "Jai Ho" finale. I'm just saying.....

Mean People That Rock

As a general rule, I think I am a nice person.

True, I may talk smack about some people - but in general I am nice.
I don't like to make people feel bad. I don't like to lower self esteem.....or take cheap shots.
I like everyone to feel equal, appreciated and respected.

The only time I lose it is if:

• I flat out don't like you - I can't even be fake about people that bother me or do stupid things.
• You have chosen to take advantage of my niceness....game over.

As a boss, I think I am really nice.
Perhaps too nice sometimes.
Maybe I need to toughen up a bit.

I was reflecting that my 2 new favorite people on reality TV are Jeff Lewis and Kelly Cutrone.
Why?
Because they are mean.


I howl with laughter at the bluntness, the rudeness, the take no prisoners attitude.
When I grow up, I want to be just like them.
Probably more Kelly Cutrone than Jeff.

The Fabulous Kelly Cutrone:

A. Kelly lives in Manhatten.

B. Kelly basically wears the same outfit everyday and nobody mocks her. Black on Black on Black (aka Versace on Gucci on Chanel) yet it all looks a hot mess and I think she never combs her hair. I can get into that modern day "mean persona" its like Cruella DeVille only different.

C. Kelly hires mainly interns which has to keep her overhead low and allows her to abuse the most amount of people for the cheapest amount of money. Genius! These people want to work for her and the verbal abuse that Kelly gets to inflict is just a bonus for her! Talk about keeping workplace tension in check! If I could do that - I would not have neck spasms and need to do evening yoga while listening to buddhist chants every night.

D. Kelly used her first husband to gain a name that would help her go places. If I had a first husband that was famous, I like to think I would have exploited him for his connections. Of course, because I am nice - that never would have happened. (by the way - I am totally speculating on this - this is my own theory Kelly!)

E. Kelly works in a job that allows her to still talk like a teenager. "I mean....." "like" I love that shit.

F. Kelly admits that working with gorgeous people is awesome - I love that she embraces the shallow.

I am like, totally willing to take a job as a PR intern for People's Revolution.....and I will not cry, and I can print labels.

Jeff Lewis - if you compare the two - they are fairly similar.

But there are some differences. The main reasons I want to be like Jeff are as follows.

A. Jeff is really clean. I wish I could be that neat and perfect - yes he has a staff of about 20 that run his household - but he pitches in!

B. Jeff hires mainly interns - see notes above - Kelly Cutrone C.

C. Jeff works in a job that allows him to talk like a teenager - see notes above Kelly Cutrone E.

D. Jeff admits that working with gorgeous people is awesome - see notes above Kelly Cutrone F.

Ok - so I have now figured out that I basically want to be just like Kelly only without the messy hair and wrinkled clothes - I think I am seeing the Jeff Lewis connection!